DDs Episode16: SOS from Small-Town USA: Where are all the single men hiding? 🌾💔

SPEAKER_01: Hello, hello, welcome to another distracted divas. Welcome, welcome. Thanks for being here. Hello. How are you? Hey Divas, how are you? Happy Sunday. Hello, hello. Happy Sunday to everyone. Or whatever day you're listening.

SPEAKER_00: Yeah, right. But we're recording on a Sunday. Yes. So um last week we issued uh challenges, and we're gonna recap and see how that went for everybody. And um, if you were able to do a challenge, make sure you comment, let us know what your challenge was. And if you succeeded, yes, who wants to go first?

SPEAKER_01: My challenge was to be off of my phone andor social media, etc., for about three hours a day and do other things. I absolutely did that. I was so busy this last week that I didn't even think about it, so it was definitely.

SPEAKER_00: Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_02: Well, my challenge was to not go shopping. And um, I believe I was on the phone with you, Becky, while I was at a store.

SPEAKER_02: Well, actually, I had my grandkids this weekend, so my granddaughters. So we were in the store and I was buying stuff for them. Uh-huh. And then I came across something that I've been looking for, and it was the only it was like one of a kind, not one of a kind, but they don't sell them in any of the other stores. So it's called Culture. It's called Culture Pop, and it's a probiotic, and it's a grape flavor, and they have the other flavors, but I haven't been able to find the grape flavor. So I bought like five or six or seven or eight or nine of those.

SPEAKER_02: And then I went to Publix and bought some ice cream, and then I went and bought, you know, just a bit too much. So I failed it miserably.

SPEAKER_00: Very bad. I said, not to judge, but I think you said something about your freezer was full, there was no room for anything else. Well, right. I there is no room for anything but ice cream.

SPEAKER_02: That's the only thing I did, but I didn't I couldn't put anything else in there, but I actually had to throw away something to put the ice cream in there. Well, oops.

SPEAKER_01: If you know about the hummingbird, it go back to one of our episodes, and you will know.

SPEAKER_00: You have to listen to last week's episode if you want to know what's going on with the hummingbird.

SPEAKER_02: Well, I really tried not to go shopping, and then I was like, my granddaughter's like, Grandma, can we just stop in the store so I can get a notebook? And I was like, A notebook? Oh, of course. And notebook turned into culture pops, turned into candy, turned into ice cream, turned into four stores later.

SPEAKER_00: Turned into a shopping spree.

SPEAKER_02: Turned into a mini shopping spree, yes.

SPEAKER_00: Well, I did not get my challenge done, but I will say I I I worked all week. I worked almost 60 hours, so I didn't have an option to try to get it done, but I'm off today and tomorrow. So I am still going to get this challenge done. Um my my goal is to get it done tomorrow.

SPEAKER_02: Okay, a week and a day. Okay, so I didn't go anywhere yesterday. So did I go on here? Oh, yeah, I didn't go anywhere yesterday, so I didn't go shopping yesterday. There you go. One day. One day. And today my car's charging in the back, so I'm gonna try to no, I have there's people in town, so I'm gonna sneak out and go see some people that you know there's some friends in town, so I'm gonna sneak out and go see them.

SPEAKER_00: I just say, you know how at um job sites they have those like boards up and I'll say it's been X number of days since we've had an accident or something, right?

SPEAKER_01: And then they start over. That's a good idea.

SPEAKER_00: Or she needs one next to the key. It's been X number of days since I went shopping.

SPEAKER_01: No, I'm gonna go.

SPEAKER_01: Right.

SPEAKER_02: I have to press that button.

SPEAKER_00: All right, so we're not we're not judging, we just did it for fun, and um, you know, maybe it's something we'll do from time to time, issue some challenges, and like I said, I still plan to get mine done, it's just gonna take me more than a week, so uh tomorrow.

SPEAKER_02: I have to clean my refrigerator because my grandkids were here, so I have to clean it out now.

SPEAKER_00: Yeah. We'll both do the refrigerator this week, and they didn't take anything with them. Oh well, yeah, you gotta send them home with all the goodies.

SPEAKER_02: I tried to, but they just wanted the junk food. Yeah. I made the beauty lasagna, they didn't want that, so I'm gonna have to freeze that.

SPEAKER_00: So sometimes um I think kids like just having certain things at grandma's house anyway, you know, yeah. The special thing they get just there.

SPEAKER_02: Well, actually, I did buy some French fries. Oops, they had buy one, get one free at public, and they wanted the like the nacho nachos, but they wanted with the fries, so they had the cheese and the meat and the um, you know, and all the other just fixings that go with it. So I had they did, I actually did pack that with them ago because they only had little packings left. So I was like, Here, take this, because I'm not gonna eat it. Take this with you. So I did give them that, whatever little bit they had left.

SPEAKER_00: Yeah. So all right, so um we are going to go on to something new today. We got our first email asking for advice.

SPEAKER_01: Yes, thank you, thank you. You could send us your request or comments, concerns, anything to our email as it is in our platforms in the info area.

SPEAKER_00: Yep, I'll also uh just put it across the screen here, but it's the number four distracted divas at Gmail.

SPEAKER_01: Yes, write us in. We would love to listen and give advice as we all have lived different things, we know some stuff, we might not know some, but we know more than we don't.

SPEAKER_00: Combined, we have a lot of uh like life history, you know. Right.

SPEAKER_02: Our ages are uh uh far enough apart, close enough, but far enough apart that we've all lived to tell certain stories. So we have a little bit of knowledge about a lot of different things.

SPEAKER_01: We also have been a part of uh younger girls' lives, older girls' lives, and in between.

SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so you can send it um if you want. You if you want us to include your information, we will. But if you want to be an anonymous, just say you want to be anonymous or send it through an anonymous account that you make, you know, if you really are worried. But we would definitely not share your information um if you want to remain anonymous. So, anyway, today we're gonna have some relationship advice um based on this email that was sent um from uh a 20-something Pam's putting up a sign for you guys to subscribe, like, share, and comment.

SPEAKER_00: It's all yes F-R-E-E. Um, relationship advice for this is for a 20-something year old um female, like mid-20s female. It says, uh, do you think there are good men out there who enjoy and stick to being faithful or would even want uh to marry a single mom like me? It's like all guys just want fun now, nothing real. Yeah, well, what I hear from guys is a single mom comes with financial burden and baggage. Um it's like they don't care to deal with it, like it's not worth it, and that they can have easy and stress-free with a woman that is not a mom.

SPEAKER_00: I've been single for three years, I don't care to be alone, but this year I need someone to hold me and make me feel safe. I felt so alone and I hate it. Um, I do go to therapy and I live in a small town, so meeting people can be um kind of challenging. So, what advice can you give to someone like me? And um, um, I think Becky has communicated with her a little bit as well, so she might have some more details about the situation.

SPEAKER_01: Yeah, she's uh from what I read, um, she lives in a small town, and uh she pretty much elaborated that she goes back to um toxic men. Uh there's more, there's there'll always be that. Um, those will always be available by the truckload. Um, so um there's more of that than anything. You know, you gotta find the needle in the haystack, so to speak. So she hasn't found that yet. And because there's more available toxic guys, from what she says, she kind of is was was stuck on this one for a year that kind of dragged her along and wasted her time.

SPEAKER_01: You know, us women sometimes we try, we try to kind of see if we could kind of straighten up the guy, and but if if it's all about what you put out and what they gather, um so yeah. Um, my advice, and I'm sure some of you guys could uh relate or or agree, is it's what you put out, never see them sweating. Um, put your foot down. Um, I would I kind of gave advice on that at first before we all gathered here. Um avoid diving into a toxic situationship, which is what I it sounded like she was doing, um, to not be lonely.

SPEAKER_01: Uh in my in my opinion, because uh a lot of us could fall into that. I did before years ago, uh years ago, and and it doesn't it doesn't work, it's not good for your mental. So um that's my advice. Uh and I have more, but I want you guys to elaborate as well.

SPEAKER_02: Well just because I've been around longer. Um and how old is she again?

SPEAKER_01: She's in her 20s, uh mid-20s, and she has children. So she's so she's beautiful, young, petite, and everything.

SPEAKER_02: She just I feel like women don't uh don't want to be chased anymore. So she has to she have she has to not blame anything on you the young lady, but learn how to let guys chase you. Don't be available when they call, every time they call and say, Hey, you have time to do ABC? You know, find something, whether you're reading a book or whatever it is, tell them, tell them, you know, hey, I can I call you back, because that makes them more interested. Don't tell them all your business, keep something to yourself.

SPEAKER_02: And you have to find a friend that you can dump all of your thoughts onto that won't judge you. That's the that's a big thing because if you don't have somebody that you can dump all your problems onto, then you'll do it to him. And then if you do it to him, then he's gonna you're gonna be open to whatever whatever however he wants to treat you because he feels like you need him, you need you're vulnerable, and you don't want to appear vulnerable. Take this time to put everything you can into your child.

SPEAKER_02: There's people out there for you. Sometimes you have to be patient, and sometimes the man above will put someone in your face. He may not look the way you want them to look, he may not, he may not have the job you want him to have, but he may put someone in front of you that is good for you, you're good for them, and they're good for you. You may not see it. And I'm talking, I'm not talking about a bum, I'm talking about somebody who can provide for you right. So he just may not look the way you want him to look because that's who he has for you, not somebody who you want to pick.

SPEAKER_01: You're not gonna have all the boxes checked, but definitely stick to your non-negotiables. Yes, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02: I mean, I feel like, and another thing too is don't introduce your children to everybody either. That's a big thing. Like you can go out and leave your children with somebody like one of your best friends, or your mother, or your sister, or somebody like that. Um, but don't introduce your children to them until you're absolutely inside sure. Not and try not to be that person who falls in love with every person that they meet. Because that's not good either. Because you don't you can't really tell in in two months that, oh my god, I'm in love with this person.

SPEAKER_02: You can be in like with that person because they can be saying whatever they want to say. And by all means, I know this is hard, it's hard for everybody, but don't give up your goodies right away. They you can make them wait, and it's not about a Steve Harvey 90 days, it's about respecting yourself, right?

SPEAKER_00: I mean, we're all um we all want to. It really made me think of Steve Harvey when you said that because I used to tell the girls that when they were uh young. I remember he once said, Um, treat it like uh diamond, and like you don't just give diamonds to anybody, and that's what I would tell them like that's your diamond, you know.

SPEAKER_02: That's right, but I'm saying that that's what she should do. Even if you talk to the person, you don't have to you don't have to give it up right away. I mean, if that's what you want to do, then that's what you want to do, but then that's what you're gonna get, if that's what you're gonna do. That's what you're gonna get. And I'm not saying that happens all the time because you people meet people and they've been married for 60, 70 years, have grandparents and aunts and uncles and everybody who have done that.

SPEAKER_02: That was then, that's not now. It's a totally different world back then than it is now. And they have people who they have people out there who have arranged marriages and they've been married for for 50, 60, 70 years as well, too. And they work it out, they can't get divorced, so they work it out. But you have to, I'm pretty sure the the person's parents are making sure that their child is pretty worthy of the person who they're making making them marry too. But since you don't have anybody to do that for you, you have to kind of be have some kind of discernment yourself to try to figure out you're not going to be compatible.

SPEAKER_02: Nobody's when they say, Oh, we're compatible, we like the same things. That's pretty boring. It is that's pretty boring.

SPEAKER_00: You need a little edge, yeah. Well, what you're getting to there too is like find a hobby, something that you like, whether it's you know, maybe it's church. Maybe you like to go. I'm not saying church is a hobby, but if you go to church, you might be able to find some groups there. Well you can sign up for something. And I know you said it's like she's a part of a small town or whatever. Well, maybe you need to once a week find a sitter, maybe a family member or something, and you venture a little bit out of your town, you know.

SPEAKER_00: Like if it's really something you want, you have to invest in it and invest in yourself. And so that that maybe maybe you want to join a gym or whatever, but like something that interests you where you can maybe potentially meet people that have the same interests as you, and it doesn't necessarily have to be a man right away, right? Because it's just something that she's looking for a man. Um, so maybe you meet a woman there and you make a friend, and then by making a friend, you're expanding your group, you know, right?

SPEAKER_02: And now maybe and when you say friend, she doesn't mean girlfriend, she just friend, somebody who she can talk to, right?

SPEAKER_01: Being that it's a small town, she also states um that in this small town she does go to church. Um, and what pretty much they tell her, because I guess everybody there is pretty much married off and with their own family, they just tell her, Oh, we don't know how you do it day to day. That's not really encouraging, no, um, and that's a small town again, so it's like, you know, um, so yeah, just I would say stick to your values and boundaries, do not bend on them for a guy at all. They will love respect at that point, they will lose respect at that point that you bend.

SPEAKER_01: Like if you say I don't do this and this and this, and then within a month and a half you bend and you do it, it's like you know, just stick to it because guys are I I've I've seen and I have friends that have dealt with it. They they once they see that you bend on something you already said you weren't gonna do, it's like, oh, what else can can she go ahead and leave leave behind for for me?

SPEAKER_02: Right, but another thing, too, and you said she was beautiful too. You can't let your looks define anything either, because looks are dime a dozen, honey. I mean you have you have I have seen like the not-so most not so attractive person with the person who like everybody's attractive with a beautiful person in your life.

SPEAKER_01: Yes, maybe that person it's all about what you put out, right? How you carry yourself with confidence, you know, you wear it well, and guys love that too. And it's not about what guys love either, it's about yourself. So let me put that out there. Don't don't focus everything on, oh, what do guys like? What do no, because if you're gonna do that all the time, you're not even gonna be happy at the end of the day, right?

SPEAKER_02: Because you're gonna have to change something because remember, in all of this dating thing, you still have children to raise, right? You can't be focused on dating when you have you can be focused, but not focused like that, right when you have children raised, because you don't want your children to follow that same pattern, they can have something that gets them out of that country town somewhere else where there's more people.

SPEAKER_00: And on that point, too, I suggest like you don't tell somebody on the first date that you have kids, you know. I mean, like you don't have to spill your whole life on the first date, maybe not even the first three. You know what I mean? Like, let's just get to know some people without telling them our whole life story on the first couple dates, you know. Before you go in there, you know, if you meet somebody worthy, you know, of telling more information and you think it's going somewhere, then you could start before you let all your feelings go, you know, then you could start talking about the children.

SPEAKER_00: And do you have children and I have children and things like that? But you know, you may be able to also find, like she said, small town, all these people are married off, so yeah, you may have to venture out of your town a little bit. You may have to put some effort into going out of your town to find other people, maybe attend a different church once a month, you know, right?

SPEAKER_02: I guess I also feel like people have to um one thing you have to do is secretly do trigger things, like things that you don't like, like say somebody does something that they like somebody chews with their mouth open. If you're not gonna like somebody just because you're desperate and they chew with their mouth open, that's driving you crazy, you're not gonna be happy with that. So you gotta go somewhere to eat and watch them eat, see how they eat, you know what I mean? I mean, and that's a little thing, but I'm just saying you gotta do little things.

SPEAKER_02: What kind of music do they listen to? Well, how do they treat their parents? How do they treat their that's a big one? How do they treat their kids? How do they treat their family? How do they treat other other workers, essential workers? Because you don't want to go somewhere and somebody's cussing out an essential worker and you're like, oh my god, but you're desperate, so I'm gonna stay with him. No, that's not cool because your kid could be an essential worker, and he's treating your kid like that.

SPEAKER_02: So you gotta do things while you're dating, while you're talking, rather, do go places where you can see how he really acts. Don't just go to the movies where it's not it's dark and you're and you're not gonna don't go to the movies the first several dates for nothing.

SPEAKER_01: Forget the movies.

SPEAKER_02: But I'm saying that what I'm saying, do something where you can figure out what type of person this is, have deep conversations and see if he answers question, right?

SPEAKER_01: Right, don't have deep conversations right away because you don't have anything to have deep about, but right, but an overall date a man, a man, because there's a lot of boys out here, a lot of boys, eventually the right man will come and join and even walk with you in your journey with your kids and everything, but again, the right man, but you still gotta go out with him. You can't just say, Oh, he's so cute, I like him then.

SPEAKER_02: Right, he could be a bull. He could be a bully, yeah.

SPEAKER_01: He can be with his hands and grease all running down or whatever the heat. But notice the difference notice the difference between a boy and a man.

SPEAKER_02: Yes, because a man is not gonna act you, a man is just gonna do a man is a car door for you. A man is gonna grab that bag out of your hand, a man is gonna do that, a boy is gonna be looking at you like, What's what's taking you so long? Right, man. If you go on a date with this person, um, I wouldn't suggest getting in their car for a while because you never you still don't know. You've got to use your own car for a while. But if you go on a date, if once you get to that point where they're in the car with you and you go somewhere, don't open the door and see if his ass get out and open that door for you.

SPEAKER_02: Don't touch it. I make my granddaughters all the time. And when I go somewhere, don't touch that door, don't touch it. Let your daddy open that door for you, don't touch it. I always say that don't touch that door. Let pop up open the door for you.

SPEAKER_01: Yeah, uh-uh, honey. Yeah, from the beginning, you know, stick with that demand and put your foot down. Don't bend. Uh, don't even let them see that you're like, you know, because once you give them a little glimpse, that's hey, again, you're gonna attract the boys.

SPEAKER_02: Well, she should be in control of the of of the relationship. Meaning, I don't think he should not be in control, but she should be in control of the things that she's willing to take and the things that she's willing not willing to take. Right. Your negotiable feelings, I don't want to tell them this, then your feelings are gonna be hurt for the rest of the relationship. Right. If you don't like something, you have to speak up. You have to just let it slide. Some things you can say, wait, did you say such and such?

SPEAKER_02: And if they say yeah, keep that. You know, go get a journal and write down. He said this, I didn't like it.

SPEAKER_00: Well, I I took it too that it's also a lot of her, like she's just trying to figure out where she can meet people. You know, I think that I think it's part of it is the she's got herself in this, like, well, I live in a small town and I know everybody in this small town mentality, which also like I think you also have to purposely change your own mentality because you kind of attract what you put out there. So if you keep thinking that there's nobody out there, you're gonna keep attracting nothing.

SPEAKER_00: Whereas, you know, like you were saying, that if you know, if you're religious and you believe in God or or some higher power, that maybe that that person is going or that entity is going to help bring somebody into your life. Well, pray on it, put positive energy out there so that you're bringing it back.

SPEAKER_02: But it also says prayer without works.

unknown: Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: If you want something that you have to work toward it, right? You can't just say somebody, you gotta put yourself out there, and I don't mean out there, but I mean you gotta put yourself in situations where that person can meet you. Yeah, you can't just wait, they're not gonna knock at your door. So anybody, if anybody tell you they're gonna knock at your door, that's a lie.

SPEAKER_01: Unless it's the UPS guy or the um what's brown, what can Brown do for you or FedEx, and yeah, like Mona said earlier, go to a different church, um, mingle with different groups because maybe your church is too senior or it's too uh tightly woven, you know, to where, you know, yes, just put yourself in different scenarios, um, more upbeat scenarios, more open-minded scenarios if it is a small town. Go to the next town over, as you said, uh in your in your email.

SPEAKER_02: You know, and she can't think that the women that are married are gonna give her good advice, especially if she's fine, because they're gonna be like, She ain't getting my husband.

SPEAKER_00: Oh, yes, that's a big one.

SPEAKER_02: Yes, you know, maybe she doesn't.

SPEAKER_00: I don't know how old her kids are, but maybe she doesn't have somebody to watch them. Guess what? We have the internet, so go online and do like an online whatever. You can do online classes, uh online service. There's a lot of there's a lot of educational institutions, universities, and stuff that offer free classes, like there's a lot of ways to get out there and connect with other people without um even leaving your house. But yes, you do need to leave your house and you do need to physically get out there and meet people in whatever type of hobby interests you.

SPEAKER_00: But um, you know, you gotta put yourself out there, you gotta get more positive, and and you know, if you think that that's all that's out there is trash, well then you're just gonna keep it.

SPEAKER_01: That's what you will attract.

SPEAKER_00: Yeah. I mean, that's my advice.

SPEAKER_02: Like when the kids were younger and I was divorced and I had them, and I always put them, but I wouldn't live in a country either, but um, I always put them in sports and music and karate and all. I always there was a lot of single guys or guys that were divorced as well, that had their kids every other week, or you know, whatever. And that's how I met a lot of guys too, because they were bringing their kids. You know, of course you don't meet them right away, because when they come in there and you you're interested, you're looking like hmm, and then you'll keep looking and you don't see anybody, and then eventually that person, depending on how friendly or unfriendly you are, that person will come up and say something to you, talk to you, you know, and then you'll say, Okay, and then you're talking, and you know you have something in common because both of your kids are in the same sport, and he's there all the time, you're there all the time, and then it starts the ball rolling like that, little by little, right?

SPEAKER_00: Right, being in her 20s, there's you know, there may be a lot of guys in their 20s who don't have kids who don't want anything to do with it, and she may be right about that. But like you're saying, you go and do something with your kids, you don't necessarily have to be there to meet somebody, and I think too, like if you get that mentality out of your head that you have to meet somebody, like keep the therapy, keep working on yourself so that you don't feel like you have to meet somebody. Sometimes it comes along when you're not looking.

SPEAKER_01: Yes, yes, also, maybe join join a group of uh parents. Maybe you'll meet a guy with a kid or that has been around kids, so it's more welcoming and things like that. Um, sometimes, and I'm not saying everyone, but sometimes when people don't have children, they could be a little selfish. Also, so cracking that cracking that person to kind of open up sometimes could be a little bit, you know, of a challenge versus a person that actually kind of is on the same page of having children and things like that.

SPEAKER_00: Right. So, what popped in my head just now when you brought that up too is like volunteer, volunteer somewhere because that's how you see people with a good heart, you know, who has some kind of interest. Take your kids and volunteer, right? So that like you said, maybe somebody else who's single brings their kids and is volunteering, you know, or their kids.

SPEAKER_02: And you're teaching your kids morals at the same time, the happy right.

SPEAKER_00: But if you I think if you like you you both hit on in the very beginning, like if you come out with that attitude of like, I've got to find somebody, I'm so sad and I'm so depressed because I haven't, you know, um met anybody in so long or whatever, well then that feeds out desperation too. So and a God will you will find one.

SPEAKER_02: But the thing is this one you want. Trust me when I tell you, the thing is this you are gonna be lonely when you live alone. You it that happens. You are there's gonna be some depressed days. This that's just gonna happen. That's when take yourself, go take yourself to the bar or to somewhere, like when you don't have to always drink an alcoholic beverage when you go to sports there. Take yourself to the bar, sit at the bar, don't sit at the table, sit at the bar, order your Coca-Cola or your water or whatever it is that you're ordering, order some food, act like you're looking at the game.

SPEAKER_02: And just say, if somebody sits next to you, you spray, hey, what are they doing? How does that how does this work? They'll be glad to tell you how it works. And then here you go. You got a friend. Now you got a friend. When you come back here again, so you see you back there next week. You just you just gotta kind of take yourself out of your rut and do something different. It's scary, it is scary, but you have to do it. If you you're a single mom, so you did that. That was scary, but you're doing it.

SPEAKER_00: So I think um that's a big thing is try something new. Yes, you know, get out of your normal routine because obviously, you know, that old saying of if you keep doing what you always did, you keep getting what you always got, you know.

SPEAKER_02: So right results, yeah, same results, same thing, same results.

SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so you gotta step outside that box and step outside.

SPEAKER_01: Just a little bit, just a little bit. I know it's you know, it's hard, and you know, it's like, oh my god, but you have to do it. Well, then when you get to my age, you're gonna be like, I'm so glad he ain't here.

SPEAKER_02: But it's so peaceful. But when you get to be our age and we've been there, done that, it's like, oh, we hey, you can stay a you can stay a week if you want to, right? Because you're like, I need a break.

SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you can love them and want to be around them, but you can also like need a little bit of me time. Love them and need some space.

SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah, yes. That doesn't mean anything. That doesn't mean you're gonna do anything, that doesn't mean they're gonna do anything. But you have to you have to be confident in who you are as a person to not worry about that that other crap. Because when you start wanting, that's a whole nother talk show when you worry about what they're doing. If you have to do that, then you don't need to be with them.

SPEAKER_01: So, yeah, to all the girls out there, there isn't no question. To all the girls out there that are worried, you you just gotta, you know, value yourself, but just know what you want, have that already in mind, know what you want, and do not settle for less. Yes, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02: Absolutely, it is, and you can do it, but it's hard. Trust me, it's hard. Just to look at yourself in the mirror in the morning saying, I could do this, I can do this, I can do it. Write it, write it on the mirror if you have to. And I suggest keep a journal of the times that you really feel really, really bad because you're not gonna leave your kids in the house and go somewhere to meet somebody. Right. So when those days when you feel really, really bad, write in your journal how you're feeling at that point.

SPEAKER_02: And the more you read, you're like, Man, I could have just went to the to the little, you know, to the little banquet around the corner or whatever it is. I could have gone to the basketball goal, the court around the corner, shot basketball with my kids, or kick balls, or kick, you know, kickball, or tennis, or something. Something that had a music thing. I could have gone to the music thing. Think about think read what you wrote and think about what you could have been doing, and then start trying to implement that slowly.

SPEAKER_02: Even if you get in your car and you drive over there and you sit in the car, right?

SPEAKER_01: Just continue doing what you enjoy and and taking care of those kids as best as you can and continue and and without you even looking, it'll happen.

SPEAKER_00: Yes. Fallout spells. I've said this in the past, go to a gas station early in the morning when all the men are going to work or Home Depot. Some or Home Depot, some of them will be single, a lot of them will be. They just take your time making your coffee and stuff, and just browsing around the little corner grocery store. And hey, what you know, you can't know everybody in town. I don't care how t how small your town is. Right. You can't know everybody.

SPEAKER_02: Right.

SPEAKER_00: You don't need a single one. Right.

SPEAKER_02: Or or get a job cleaning and office building.

SPEAKER_00: Oh, there you go.

SPEAKER_02: There you go, right? You will find them.

SPEAKER_01: The Home Depot one, it's it's funny because a lot of people say that, you know, go at different times, different times in the morning is for different types of levels there. Oh, yeah, it's true though. It's true though.

SPEAKER_00: Yes, very it's hilarious. Doesn't have a ring on his finger. Go down that aisle and just look bewildered.

SPEAKER_02: Be like and because trust me, they will ask you, can I have to find something? Like, oh yes. Wait a minute, I can't explain it. Well, let me try. Okay, so it has this thing on it and that thing, and it goes there.

SPEAKER_01: But don't look too clueless, have something in your mind already that you're gonna be. You could be picked up on, and then it's like, okay, back to the desperate blah blah blah. Because guess what? The Home Depot thing has gotten so popular that even guys know about it.

SPEAKER_02: That's hilarious. Yes, they act like they don't know about it because that show will act stupid in a minute. For real. So don't be and don't even want them.

SPEAKER_01: Look, and don't play walk in with a little something already in head.

SPEAKER_00: Or hey, how about you go and make like your own little like single support group online or something, you know? Exactly.

SPEAKER_01: Exactly, or maybe we'll do a little something down the line and we'll put something together and who knows? Yeah, that'd be fun.

SPEAKER_02: In your honor, and we're gonna call it our first podcaster. Not your name, just uh this is our first, this will be our first um singles in in memory or in reference to our first um comment we got. Definitely okay, because trust me, we know how to do stuff.

SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I think you just gave her a lot of ideas.

SPEAKER_01: Yes, we hope that that helped you a little bit, and I'm sure we'll touch on something like this similar down the line, because there's there's always room for this topic.

SPEAKER_02: And if you got epiphany from any of this, send it another anonymous um comment. And if we didn't explain ourselves to your understanding, then send us again and say, oh no, no, this, that, and the third, because then we can break it down. We can only go by what we have, right? What was written to us. So if we didn't explain it to you the way you thought we should have, or if you want more questions, ask Yes, then feel free to do it again, and that goes for anyone.

SPEAKER_00: If you take any of this advice, we'd like to know how it goes. Yes, yes, yes. So whether it's now or a month from now, or you know, subscribe, like, share, and comment. It's free. That's right. It's$3.99. Free ninety nine. Yes. Yes. So um hopefully that helps you. And we thank you for asking for some advice and getting the ball rolling and being our first um whoop who first one to reach out. Yes, that's all.

SPEAKER_02: Thank you. And so anybody who needs some advice on anything, like we said, we're not professionals. We can only go by but we've lived right. We can only go by our own um life experiences, right? Right, and we all we have three different um areas of life experience here for sure. And um and we might make a joke out of it, but we're not laughing at you. It's just us because we might be talking about something that we all know that happened between us three, and then we start we make a we make a joke out of it, but it's it's uh it's on us, not it's a diva insider.

SPEAKER_02: Yes, yes, it's a diva insider, yes. Because we got a whole bunch of those.

SPEAKER_00: We always are want to add humor in our life because life is too serious.

SPEAKER_00: Yes, I I sent um I sent the divas uh a video from six years ago when we first started started talking about starting a podcast. So we get it. Like sometimes it could take a little while to to get the ball rolling on things, but don't wait six more years. Like get out there and do it now, you know. So because we should have already been six years in on this. Thanks. Okay, we did it, we did it. So we stepped out outside of our comfort zone and and started a podcast, you know. You just gotta you just gotta do it.

SPEAKER_00: Um moving on uh along the same lines. I found a Reddit post from six months ago um on our um Reddit ask, it's called Ask Reddit. Uh, and somebody had asked what's the most efficient way of finding a partner, and so I'm gonna read some of the um comments here in regards to that. It was just uh one single sentence. What's the most efficient way of finding a partner? So let's see. I haven't read through these before, so we're gonna just hear it right now, but um let's see. Somebody says, uh, I think you have to go searching, it can be dizzying.

SPEAKER_00: Um, so stay grounded. The more people you meet, the higher chances of finding someone compatible. Um, somebody else says it's very important that you show yourself as you are. For example, say that you like something that can be considered dorky or immature or whatever, anything from train sets to video games to crochet figurings, don't hide it because others might think it's not attractive. That behavior would lead you to a false relationship where you have to hide or abandon something that is part of who you are.

SPEAKER_02: Oh, I have one that that looks like it says the key is to not feel entitled to every single one of those people and to let it unfold naturally, but also be intentional. That is great. Yes, that is great.

SPEAKER_00: Very good. Yep. So I mean, a lot of what they're saying are um right on par with what we're saying, you know. Uh, this person says, be genuinely interesting and interested. Yeah, step two, leave the house. Most people skip both. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: I like that one. It says you don't have to reel in every fish, but you have to cast your line in a whole lot if you want to hook something. Cast it, cast it.

SPEAKER_00: Very good.

SPEAKER_02: And this person is if you want to.

SPEAKER_00: So so this person kind of has um, you know, the same type of type of mentality of like maybe not knowing what to do or where to go, because this person says, Leave the house and go where though. I have no idea where to go after I get off work, except for like the mall or something. And um somebody answers, Well, join a club, do sports, volunteer. You'll meet coffee shop. So many, yeah, interesting people who know how to make interesting voices in life that will make you question yours. Also, a great way to network if you choose carefully what to do and where to be.

SPEAKER_00: Well, the big the big thing that is what bars used to be for.

SPEAKER_02: Yes. That is what the bars used for. But the thing, the big thing with the join a club do a sports, you want to go somewhere where where there's people that have the same like mind that you do. You don't really, you don't want to find somebody in a bar. You will eventually, but you don't want that person, you want to go first.

SPEAKER_00: That person says what you were saying. Bars are still a thing. You can just hang out, play touch tunes, shoot pool, play darts, even if you don't drink. Yes.

SPEAKER_02: Remember that bar in um New Tampa? I like that one.

SPEAKER_00: New Tampa.

SPEAKER_02: Remember that? Oh, you talked about Becky? Yeah, Becky. That was around the corner from you nowhere. But um, I like that one because you can play games there, you know. They had a lot of interaction. Yes. They had a basketball goal in there, they had a um dart game, they had, I mean, there was people everywhere that had music, and the and the sports was, you know, I love sports anyway.

SPEAKER_01: So go somewhere that's interactive. Maybe you don't want to go anywhere that's alcohol, but go somewhere interactive, like I said earlier. Maybe a coffee shop. There's a lot of coffee shops now that have all kinds of stuff uh in the evenings, games, board board games, you know, they have open mic, poetry, you know.

SPEAKER_02: Well, this one looks like it says yes, and I always found a bunch of people there that were looking for sex and nothing more. Hookup culture just ruined the whole thing. That is that is a fair growth. I understand that, but that doesn't have to be your reality, right? It doesn't have to be. You make your own reality. There are people, like even nice people. I could be out there acting like I'm all nice and looking for that too. But you have to make your own reality. If that's not what you're looking for, if you feel like that person that you're talking to is guiding the conversation or the act toward that, then you excuse yourself and move on.

SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that's all you don't have to you don't have to give them any excuse. You just say, Hey, you know, it's time for me to go nice talking to you. Right.

SPEAKER_01: So they get it, everybody seems like it gets it.

SPEAKER_02: Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_00: More like Reddit does, they also like to joke some, and maybe maybe you do want to find that. So this one says, have very big colorful feathers and do a little dance.

SPEAKER_00: Peacocking. I mean, if you ever watch like uh birds do like mating dances on like National Geographic and stuff. Oh, there's uh I think there's a TikTok guy of a person doing that. Yeah, oh my god, it's the funniest thing. He's like if we like attracted mates the way they do, like so he'll show the bird and then he'll do the dance. It's that is so hilarious.

SPEAKER_02: That is funny.

SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's funny. Um, what else?

SPEAKER_02: Let's see.

SPEAKER_00: Becoming someone people want a partner with is the best way. You'll attract the right type of people when you act, act like the right type of person. Strive to be the best version of yourself and live the values you want in a part a partner, and they will appear.

SPEAKER_02: So that's which is what you've been saying, Becky, too.

SPEAKER_00: Yeah, about the attracting what you want. Yeah. Yes.

SPEAKER_02: I mean, it's hard, it's hard to um like sometimes you you you think you attracted, you think you attracted the right person, and you meet people, and then you find out, oh my goodness, this person has everything's right about them, but this one thing is wrong. And I don't mean wrong. It's not, it's not, um, it's not illegal, it's not this. They just are maybe you're neat and they're messy. And maybe they don't know that they're messy because no one has ever said to them, hey, your ass is messy, you know?

SPEAKER_02: But maybe you clean up after that person, you keep cleaning up after the person, and after a while it's like, I ain't your god dang mother, okay? Like, can you clean up your damn self? But then you think you think to yourself, I don't want to say is it worth it, but is it worth it? Because this person is such a nice, helpful, loving, wonderful person. Maybe I can eventually get this person to clean up behind themselves, or take their clothes and hide them in a basket somewhere, and they actually wear it was and you left them on the floor, so maybe I thought you didn't want them, so I threw it away.

SPEAKER_00: Well, okay, to your point though, like that's the other thing is we're all human, nobody's perfect. You're gonna have things that they don't like, they're gonna have things you don't like, right? So yes, there are things that you shouldn't bend on, but at the same time, if like she said, there's they check like I mean, make an actual list of what you want in a person and what you you know, or if you're with somebody, like what are the good things, what are the bad things, you know.

SPEAKER_02: And if you got 20 good things and one bad thing, girl, you better take the one bad thing. Right one bad thing is not physically violent or verbally abusive, mentally abusive, those types of things. But if they're messy, you can fuss out them all you want to, they don't hear you anyway. They're not gonna hear you. They didn't eventually they'll do something. Maybe one day they'll be like, Oh, that mommy, I cleaned up, you know.

SPEAKER_00: I mean, I had a friend who used to say pick your battles, and I never like really got it. I never really got it to our kids. And then I was like, Okay, I get it. Like, right, and not everything is worth going to war on, you know. Right, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02: I agree with that a hundred percent. You can you can make it known, you can say whatever you want to say, how you want to say, blah blah blah. But I feel like everything is not yes, you. Gotta fuss about it because if it bothers you, it bothers you. But it's not fussing till I hate you status. It's not fuss until you can't you go to sleep and you're sleeping on this side and they're sleeping on that side, or you're sleeping in different areas. It's not that. It's just like, how do you sleep like that?

SPEAKER_02: Or put or you know, how to get people out of certain things, especially messy people, just put all that dirty clothes on that side of the bed when they lay down. Like, hey, the ample was these are the clothes that were falling out the hamper because they're still dirty. Boom. Just do little fun things, like you know, yeah. Just do I feel like I'm a I'm a you know, you guys know I'm a character, so I like to do stupid shit. So I'm gonna do little fun things to mess with you, just to let you know that you know your feet stink, and then if you don't think they stink, then I'll put your shoe next to your bag, next to your bag.

SPEAKER_02: Okay, let's smell that now. Look, they stink, you know, something to make you make them go, okay. Maybe it does stink. Okay, fine.

SPEAKER_01: This person who has asked for advice is gonna be second guessing wanting to have a partner with these comments, and she represents life a little bit, she's young, but she's she's got kids, she's been with somebody, so yeah, she knows.

SPEAKER_00: So she knows what she knows what she potentially is gonna do. Everything comes with with something, yes, right. Um, back to the Reddit post, they say keep meeting new people, go out with your friends and their other friend groups, pick a hobby and engage in the community. Actually, go on those work trips and activities, go to a festival and talk to strangers. Key is to just intentionally engage with strangers, not flirt. You'll know when you really connect. Yes, that's true. I mean, I think of that like in my day-to-day, just going out in the world, day-to-day stuff, like you know, just um I've said it before, but like we are such a uh internet society nowadays, and everybody's staring at their phones all the time.

SPEAKER_00: Like yesterday I stopped at a store, and there were two different women in two different cars waiting on, I guess, their guys to come out, and um both of them are you know like this in the car. It's like we can't even sit alone with our own thoughts for a couple minutes, you know. Like we always have to be staring at something. So uh I try to make it intentional to make eye contact with people and talk to people, you know, just little conversations when you're out.

SPEAKER_01: Yeah, like what you said earlier that like a lot of the internet and social in regards to people when they are seeking or whatever the case may be, um, because of social media and all the not great things, because social is good and bad. Um they also got people thinking that they always gotta look for like the greener grass, right? And and maybe they're wrong. And that's when sometimes people even do like a U-turn or a circle back spin the block. Um, which what's is what kind of she said also in that in that message that you know she's she was in an ongoing one-year thing with a toxic because you know it was kind of like uh oh well the person uh or her kind of spun the block or it was on and off because you know that's what sometimes people do.

SPEAKER_01: People go thinking, oh, let me look for better. And then they when they realize that there might not be, or the you know, you had your grass that was green, you just didn't water it.

SPEAKER_00: Right. Yep. So keep that in mind. The grass is greener on the other side because it's fertilized with bullshit. There you go. Well, the thing I generated the times, Becky. Good one.

SPEAKER_01: Yes, I had to inject that in there, you know.

SPEAKER_02: I don't know. I I just I don't know. I I I just think that uh when you're insecure with your when you're secure with yourself, you're not really worried about. I mean, and I think that's where I am in life now, too.

SPEAKER_03: Correct.

SPEAKER_02: If I'm secure with myself, I'm not really worried about what that other person is doing. And there's no back and forth. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_00: There's no I look at pictures of the girl I was in my 20s, and that girl was not secure, right? And I was probably the most beautiful I've ever been in my life, you know what I mean? Like, I'm not that saying that I don't think I'm beautiful now in my own way and everything, but like I look back in my 20s and think, you don't know what you had, you know, like if I had that, those looks and this brain, oh I would have been president, but you know, we're gonna be able to do that.

SPEAKER_02: I know I can't because that's what we learned. But I just really feel like now I don't, I I'm in a I don't give up age. I do, don't get me wrong. I do, yeah, I'll fight for you and I'll take care of you, and I'll make I'm a nurturer, I make people's plates, I make people's lunches, I make sure you have what you have. When you reach in the cabinet, it's there. You don't have to worry about stuff, but I still ain't gonna be chasing chasing your ass. I ain't looking for you, I ain't calling. If you don't come home for work when you come out of work, I'm not calling you.

SPEAKER_02: I'm not doing that. Um, I think with age, I'm doing that wisdom, you know, time you live and you learn.

SPEAKER_00: Yes, yeah. I mean, all that all that confidence comes from life experience, yeah.

SPEAKER_01: But don't take too long to learn, and don't don't go through so much learning that you're, you know. Right.

SPEAKER_00: Well, I mean, you said it earlier, Pam, like you're a single mom, so you've been through some stuff, you know. Um, this person, like your single mom, you've been through some stuff, and I'm sure I know when I became a single mom at one point in my life that it was probably one of the scariest times of my life, and I didn't think I could do it, and I did. Here I am still today, you know what I mean? And so you've already been through some of the hardest shit in your life already, you know. And um just protest your gut, you know, go to your when you have to go to your kids' school, you're that's you're you're doing something.

SPEAKER_02: When you have to get you have to get up at a certain time, get them ready, go do ABC. Yeah, you're doing something. When you go to work and you have to secure daycare, you're doing something. Right. Sell yourself short, even if you think they're minimal things, you're still doing them. Yeah, there are still things that have to be done, and you're doing them. Nobody else is doing them for you, you're doing them for yourself. When you when you got to go to the grocery store, you get up and say, Okay, it's time to go to the grocery store.

SPEAKER_02: When you have a certain amount of money to spend at the grocery store, you pick and choose. That's you making the decision for yourself. So you are doing it. You might not think that that's something to that needs to be done, but it needs to be done. Right. So don't sell yourself short. And I always say my favorite saying, and everybody who knows me know I'll say this don't go backwards. Yeah. If you left that person, you left them for a reason. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01: Don't go backwards. Because once you pick them back up, the disrespect, the the respect gets it's less, it's less, yes. And then they think they can redo it the next time they do it, it'll be bigger.

SPEAKER_02: And right, and if you don't if you didn't trust them, what makes you think you're gonna trust them again? Like to me, that makes no sense. Like, everything they do is gonna be subject to question. Why would you do that to yourself? Bump them. Why would you do that to yourself?

SPEAKER_00: Because I have one more suggestion or piece of advice. I don't know if it's even in the cards, but um, you know, if you are in such a small town, like do you have any possibility of moving from there? Do you have any desire to move from there?

SPEAKER_01: I threw that out. I threw that out. Um, I guess she's studying so college and and work, but um, yeah, maybe down the line.

SPEAKER_00: Yeah, um, because you know, I mean, I lived in Florida for 48 years of my life, born and raised, and um made the trek to Tennessee, you know, at 48 or 49. Didn't think you were going either.

SPEAKER_03: Broke my damn heart broke my damn heart.

SPEAKER_00: I know. No more meetings down the street. We've stayed connected, so yes, yes, for sure. But like, yeah, so like maybe sometimes it's like just taking a big crazy step just to see what else is out there, you know. Yes because sometimes we're I mean, I think of like when you're driving in your car and you're in your own little world, and every like those memes that they show are you know, you never know what other people are going through, and it's kind of got little bubbles that get above all the different cars and what different people might be thinking about while they're driving, you know, down the road.

SPEAKER_00: So you know, we can get trapped into our own little world and think that we're like, you know, this goldfish living in a bowl and this is how the whole world is when really there's you know a giant ocean out there of things to do and see and explore. So, you know, if that's an option or could be an option in the near future, maybe you just work on yourself and your family for now. And we table the worrying about a partner for a little while down the road, you know? Yeah because um if it's in your cards to have a great partner, it's gonna happen because it's meant to be.

SPEAKER_00: So you know, so don't fret about it, just keep working on you and let it happen organically.

SPEAKER_02: Right. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01: You can do it. You can do it. Yes, you sure can. Stay positive and it'll happen.

SPEAKER_00: Any other any other thoughts or tidbits before we take off?

SPEAKER_01: Nope. I think we said quite a bit, and uh, if there's more, we'll definitely circle back on the topic. There's so much to talk about with this and different also tell her to write down what type of person she's actually looking for before she's before she starts venturing and doing these extra things.

SPEAKER_02: What type of write down what type of person you're looking for and read it every day before you actually start actually looking. Read it because you might want to change something here or there, like at the end of the month, you're like, bang, look for that type of person. Don't look for somebody who's a partier because if they keep partying, then you're gonna be pissed off. Right, because it's not right. I'm okay if you party, but then if you you said he was okay, now you're not.

SPEAKER_01: A happy medium, a good balance, because you don't want a super boring person, you want an outgoing person, you want a person that does things at times or things, uh, knows how to also be at home in in the quiet, calm on a regular day. So for everyone out there, definitely this goes this today's topic is for everyone that's going through similar things. Um, definitely have a journal, as Pam said earlier, write down and and go back to it. Uh read it through, take a few minutes uh every other day, or whenever you have time in your week, and and that could be a part of your you know, your thing that you do every week as well, along with what you're doing in life.

SPEAKER_02: Right. I feel like that's a that's great because uh you you have to learn how to balance because like you can't you can't do it because you're out and you see people um in relationships holding hands and all that. They could be miserable. You never know. People could be uh it could be false. What they're what they have could be false. Oh, yes. I know because I've been in a false thing where I thought you know, people thought, oh, they're so happy. No, I wasn't.

SPEAKER_01: No, and that will be but I know how to get out of it. Yes, and that will be a great topic, actually, ladies, for another uh podcast. Uh imposter syndrome and uh yes syndrome, imposter syndrome. Oh, imposter. Yeah, so I went to I went no imposter. My English is not very good looking. No, I but um I was messing with you though, so yeah. I've been in groups and and we always talk about different topics, and this was our latest one.

SPEAKER_00: Oh, cool.

SPEAKER_02: I like that. That is Becky. Ooh, you're gonna have to make me not say the name.

SPEAKER_00: All right, next week. Next week's uh so next week's topic, you know too, Mona.

SPEAKER_01: Yes, so thank you everybody for joining us. This was a very informative, uh, I feel uh for a lot of people out there. So again, write us, please, if you have any comments, and and this is something that we'll continue to talk about.

SPEAKER_02: Say that again and the good thing is that we all have daughters, so we would we would. I said if you have any comments, questions, or concerns, write us and we will answer you back. But the good thing is that we all have daughters, and this would be something that we would tell our daughters. And I would tell Mom's daughter, I would tell Becky's daughter, they would tell my daughter. The advice we gave is good for guys, too, right?

SPEAKER_01: Absolutely, we also, yes, we also want to also kind of walk along with the ladies, um, to also open up for the guy to also feel comfortable with also expressing himself and vice versa. So it's not like we're just you know bashing him, and we don't do that here.

SPEAKER_02: We're just kind of giving advice that way, it's fun, so we're not bashing because I don't know.

SPEAKER_01: Yes, that way we could just have better ladies to you know better express themselves. That way, also the man is welcome to also express himself, and everything could flow.

SPEAKER_00: Absolutely anonymous questions from the men's point of view. Maybe you want a woman's um, you know, take on it instead of all your guy friends like oh just deal with it.

SPEAKER_02: Right. I have a um, I have a person who can who may be able to write something anonymously about um what does he feel what can what does he feel like women are looking for when you're in your early 30s? What are they looking for in a man?

SPEAKER_01: I can't or a man could also write in the and that is serious about life and it's not toxic.

SPEAKER_02: No, no, he's a he's gonna be a man. He's gonna write whatever it is he needs to write, and then he's gonna I'm gonna tell him the topic will be like, what do you what write down what you think, what you think in your perspective, women are looking for and while you're out there in the dating world. What you think women are actually looking for, what they say they want and what they're actually looking for.

SPEAKER_00: Because you're out you're saying he could write it to us and and we could like expand on that, what he what his perspective is. Yeah, that would be cool too. Yeah, all right. Well, we got the next two podcasts all figured out. Anyway, this was a good one, and I hope that uh we helped you some um poster.

SPEAKER_01: Thank you everyone. Thank you everyone for listening to us this weekend on distracted divas. We look forward to meeting you all on our next one. Thank you.

SPEAKER_02: Subscribe, like, and share. And when you comment, we will answer you back. And it's all free, free, free, free.

SPEAKER_00: Instead of buy one, get one free.

SPEAKER_02: Bye, ladies.

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